[closed post] aftermath

[protagonisthalo]

More than anything, Luo Binghe wishes this weren't so familiar. He is well accustomed to people drawn in by his beauty and charm, who turn away when they see what he is truly like. It has happened with nearly all of his wives, except Liu Mingyan. (He would love to see Liu Mingyan right now; how she would laugh at the idea that barely a day of torment inflicted on an enemy has caused all this trouble.)

It is still hard to believe Shen Yuan will not someday reach his limit and discover something that repulses him. But so far, no matter how deep he digs into Luo Binghe's darkness, he only fills it with light. Luo Binghe wants that feeling now. He wants to bathe in Shen Yuan's love and forgiveness; to transform under the light of his smile into someone worth loving. (A dose of sharp pain as he remembers the wish he involuntarily expressed to Claudius under the truth spell: I want to be proven wrong. I want someone to see some good in me that I did not recognize, and show me what it is. Shen Yuan has not yet convinced him, but he has come closer than Luo Binghe thought possible.) He is looking for Shen Yuan, following the pull of the blood they share, but if he passes by anyone else he counts as a friend, he will want to see them too.

Comments

[kadewest]

Kade leads them into a nearby parlor and takes a seat. "So," he says. "Strength, power, and hierarchy?"

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe takes a seat across from him, settling into a casual posture. He is anxious about friendships, but sitting like this, Kade could almost be one of his wives, and Luo Binghe is very much in the habit of gloomily pontificating to his wives. "It's been the lesson of my life. That everything depends on power, and that strength is the only way to achieve it. When I was a child, those with authority tried to kill me; now that I am Emperor, many still try, but I no longer fear them. You see? There is no stopping the cruelty of the world, there is only gaining enough strength to endure it."

[kadewest]

Kade nods slowly. "Right," he says. "And it's really fucking hard to shed that kind of worldview even if the environment changes considerably."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe nods, deeply grateful. "Hard to even convince oneself it needs to be shed."

[kadewest]

"A lot of my students feel that way," Kade says, conversationally. "When they come back to our World. With them, it's usually because they're still hoping for a Door home." He raises his eyebrows at Luo Binghe. "Are you still hoping for a Door home?"

[protagonisthalo]

Hoping? Luo Binghe thought it a given that they would return to their own worlds someday. He and Shen Yuan have planned for it.

He frowns. "You're suggesting that I resist change because I worry I may change too much to reintegrate back home."

[kadewest]

"I'm suggesting that it's incredibly difficult to shift your worldview," Kade says. "Especially if you're actively straddling different Worlds."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe sighs heavily. "You are right. That place and this place require entirely opposite things from me. But it took me many years to mold myself to the shape of what my world required, and I fear that any chance I have of thriving here will slip through my fingers before I am able to adjust. And"—he scowls—"I do not like changing myself to please others."

[kadewest]

"Sure, sure. What would be most comfortable to you? Absent everything else. If you could craft a World to your own specifications, what would it feature?" Kade knows this is a big question, but Luo Binghe is clearly experiencing big concerns.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe has had a vision of his ideal world since he was ten, and he has worked hard to achieve it. All people submitting to him; limitless wealth; constant adoring companionship. He has made his own world into exactly what he wanted.

And yet... He recalls asking Liu Mingyan if she thought him happy. How baffled she was at the suggestion that he even could be. He'd thought that the problem was with him, not his circumstances. That he had done everything right, built his empire and his harem perfectly, but he was simply not a person who could be made happy.

Shen Yuan has changed that. Luo Binghe has learned over and over since arriving here how intolerably useless all his accomplishments truly are. He is unhappy here, but he is happier than he thought his blackened heart could manage. So there may yet be a chance that he was not broken beyond repair under Shen Qingqiu's lash.

He squeezes his eyes shut, too raw to bother lying.

"I don't want to fear being hurt. That's... I cannot stand not knowing if I will be. In my own realm, that is what I have striven for. Control over my own vulnerabilities." He must be strong enough to defend himself against any attack, and have enough people on his side that he will never be abandoned. That is what matters.

[kadewest]

"The way I see it, there's a lot of ways to move past a fear of being hurt," Kade says, thoughtfully. "I know a lot of people who've had that goal. My friend Jack became a monster." This is said neutrally, nonjudgmentally. Kade had been furious about it when he was eighteen, had spat it in her face around the same time she started talking sororicide and acceptable sacrifices again. He'd apologized later, tried to take it back, and she had corrected him: she was a monster, specifically, purposefully. He's since changed his attitude on the matter. Monsters have their places, after all. "My friend Antsy unseated one and stepped in to prevent it happening again. My friend Sumi stepped down from heroing and questing and married a farmer. Nancy became a living statue. I took lead of my school."

[protagonisthalo]

"Many would say I made myself a monster as well," Luo Binghe says gloomily. "None of those seem like ways to move past the fear. They are ways to gain control. To prevent the circumstances that hurt you from repeating themselves. I have tried that all my life."

[kadewest]

Kade hums, thoughtful. "I do see your point," he says. "I'd argue the fear of being hurt could motivate you to seek control, but types of control vary wildly. Also, the original circumstances that led you to make a change often cease to exist, and the fears can evolve over time. Taking over the school had nothing to do with preventing my circumstances from repeating themselves--I knew they would, for others, regularly. It was more about reinforcing the environment my aunt created so I could help more kids. Antsy, too. She... went through some shit, and wanted to prevent others from going through the same shit. Nancy and Sumi were pursuing things that made them happy. Jack..." he shrugs. "Maybe so. Jack's a complicated woman."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe takes this in. The gravity with which he is listening is a true mark of his respect for Kade. "Then what would you advise for me?"

[kadewest]

Kade hums, thoughtful. "You say you've been struggling with loyalty in friends," he says. "I guess my advice comes down to how you want to relate to people, and how much of what's comfortable to you you're willing to set aside in the short-term in service of improvements the long term." He glances at Luo Binghe. "Just so we're clear, I don't think there's any single right answer to where to strike the short-term versus long-term comfort balance."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe frowns. "There is merit in your advice. If a strategy consistently yields unpleasant results, it should be changed." Kade suggests he should compromise on some of his innate hostility toward others, allow himself to be uncomfortable, in the service of building stronger relationships in the future. Even contemplating it makes his guts squirm; hostility is how he vets his relationships, ensuring that he will not become close to someone unable to handle his moods. "How do you judge if the long-term benefits will be worth it?"

[kadewest]

"You said you don't want to fear being hurt, right?"

[protagonisthalo]

It's difficult to hear him speak Luo Binghe's vulnerabilities so plainly, even though he is only repeating what Luo Binghe said. "Yes."

[kadewest]

"I think," says Kade, slowly. "And I could be totally off-base here. But if you're scared of being hurt, and you're feeling... recently betrayed by a lack of loyalty..." He purses his lips, trying to sound out his thoughts before sharing them. "And you have a thing for wanting to maintain control over uncertain situations... it might sound really counterintuitive, but giving people the opportunity to surprise you by relaxing some of that control you're inclined to seek might yield dividends." But that wasn't Luo Binghe's question. "I think maybe whether it's worth it comes down to your reasons for wanting to try."

[protagonisthalo]

"Mm." The idea of giving up control to gain control—not over people, but over his fears—is counterintuitive. But Luo Binghe is starting to truly value Kade's insight, so he will continue to think on it.

There are many reasons he wishes to change how he relates to people—the unique challenges of the mansion, the realization that his harem and riches didn't bring him as much satisfaction as he thought they did—bit only one he wants to discuss. "For me to have so few close companions... it causes trouble for Shen Yuan. My boyfriend," he clarifies. "He's very well-liked, and I would not come between him and his friends. But several of his friends... have irreconcilable conflicts with me. I don't want things to deteriorate any further."

[kadewest]

"Shen Yuan," Kade repeats, blankly, and then nods "Oh! Right. I've met him." He leans back, regarding Luo Binghe. "How irreconcilable are we talkin'?"

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe makes a face. "Irreconcilable."

[kadewest]

Okay, then. Kade nods. "So you want more friends in part so that he doesn't worry about you?" A thoughtful pause. "So that there are people who will stand up for you, so it's not down to him?"

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe nods, disquieted that Kade pinpointed the issue so precisely, even though he was attempting to explain it. He hates to be misunderstood, but there is still something dangerous about anyone but Shen Yuan and Nina understanding him. "I don't wish to burden him." Luo Binghe's love is already so much of a burden.

[kadewest]

"So what do you think you're gonna do?"