[closed post] aftermath

[protagonisthalo]

More than anything, Luo Binghe wishes this weren't so familiar. He is well accustomed to people drawn in by his beauty and charm, who turn away when they see what he is truly like. It has happened with nearly all of his wives, except Liu Mingyan. (He would love to see Liu Mingyan right now; how she would laugh at the idea that barely a day of torment inflicted on an enemy has caused all this trouble.)

It is still hard to believe Shen Yuan will not someday reach his limit and discover something that repulses him. But so far, no matter how deep he digs into Luo Binghe's darkness, he only fills it with light. Luo Binghe wants that feeling now. He wants to bathe in Shen Yuan's love and forgiveness; to transform under the light of his smile into someone worth loving. (A dose of sharp pain as he remembers the wish he involuntarily expressed to Claudius under the truth spell: I want to be proven wrong. I want someone to see some good in me that I did not recognize, and show me what it is. Shen Yuan has not yet convinced him, but he has come closer than Luo Binghe thought possible.) He is looking for Shen Yuan, following the pull of the blood they share, but if he passes by anyone else he counts as a friend, he will want to see them too.

Comments

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan can always kind of feel Binghe coming. Not from far away, like Binghe can feel him and Sagramore, but if he's close enough; his qi is warm and familiar in his extended awareness long enough before he rounds the corner that he's already smiling in anticipation. When he actually looks up from his book to see him, though, his smile fades. Binghe looks thunderous and miserable, lips white with some combination of hurt and rage. Shen Yuan is moving immediately, getting up from the couch and opening his arms. "Sweetheart. Binghe. What's wrong?"

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe falls into his arms, turning to put his face in Shen Yuan's hair. The scent of him is already helping. Luo Binghe loves him so much, and trusts him more than he's trusted anyone since his mother died. But to depend on him so much is terrifying. Shen Yuan has many friends, and is widely liked and admired; Luo Binghe needs him more than he needs Luo Binghe, and that makes their relationship unbalanced and precarious. He clutches at him tightly. "Sagramore is no longer a friend of mine."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan takes a sharp breath, his arms tightening around his boyfriend. Sagramore—what?? But everything was fine—had the blood parasites not worked?? But Sagramore had known that was a possibility, and he wouldn't be angry with Binghe even if it was the case. "Why?"

[protagonisthalo]

"He said that his friendship with me pains Claudius, that Claudius won't believe Sagramore truly cares for him unless he breaks ties with me."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan pulls back so he can look at Binghe's face, frowning. "Claudius—this is about Claudius??"

[protagonisthalo]

"Yes. I didn't know they were so close." Luo Binghe thought he and Sagramore were quite close, even before Sagramore and Claudius started whatever romance they are entertaining, but no matter. Sagramore is obviously not the person he thought he was.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan tugs Binghe over to the couch so he can hold him and look at his face at the same time. "I knew they were sleeping together, but—" But Sagramore and Binghe had been sleeping together, too, and that hadn't seemed to matter. And Claudius was getting married, he and Galahad—what right does he have to dictate Sagramore's friendships?? He raises a hand to cup Binghe's jaw. "God. I'm so sorry, sweetheart. You don't deserve this."

[protagonisthalo]

That, for some reason, is the first thing to make Luo Binghe's eyes sting. Shen Yuan and Sagramore are so close, and even though he knows he is first in Shen Yuan's heart, some part of him was bracing for Shen Yuan to agree with his friend. He shakes his head. "You must be one of very few who would think so. I am—not well-liked." It is why losing one person feels so catastrophic.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan shakes his head, more in disapproval than disagreement. He wants to disagree—even putting aside Nina and Janet and the other more casual friendships Binghe has established, Sagramore does like Binghe—but pointing that out right now would just make it even more glaringly obvious that he doesn't like him enough. Which is such bullshit. "It's such bullshit," he complains out loud, because Binghe wants him to say more of his thoughts out loud. "Claudius has so many friends and lovers. He doesn't need to steal yours, too."

[kadewest]

Conveniently, Kade is walking past! He's searching for a spot better-trafficked than his bedroom where he can work on his embroidery and maybe have a conversation or two, but he slows when he sees Luo Binghe. He'd said he wanted to be friends, right?

"Hey," he says, with a warm smile.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe hesitates. Kade was warm and understanding when they last spoke, and Luo Binghe wanted to know him better. But he had let himself be lulled into false security with Sagramore. He does not make friends in his own world. His advisors call him paranoid, but Luo Binghe calls it reasonable caution, when so many people truly are scheming against him. The world has taught him that lesson enough times, and it shames him that he's forgotten it here. He tenses. "Since we've agreed to be friends, you should know I am not easy to befriend. I am tired of false promises, and I'd rather be close to no one than to someone whose loyalty, when tested, bears no weight."

[kadewest]

"Okay," Kade says, blinking. "I have some follow-up questions, if you'll indulge me."

[protagonisthalo]

"Go on."

[kadewest]

"First: How do you define loyalty?"

[protagonisthalo]

From his people—his wives and courtiers and generals, Mobei-jun, Sha Hualing and so on—Luo Binghe demands utmost subservience. He has yet to learn what shape a friendship might take outside of that strict hierarchy, and new to recognizing the value of it. But he has seen, with Nina—and even with Sagramore—that such a thing doesn't have to be to his detriment, as he always feared. He is new to relationships that do not feel like a threat to be managed. So it takes him a moment to think what he wants.

"To stay by my side, and to defend me to others."

[kadewest]

"And so someone whose loyalty bears no weight is someone who only defends you in certain circumstances? Or not at all?"

[protagonisthalo]

"Yes. Someone who drops their defense of me when questioned or criticized."

[ravkanwitch]

As someone well-versed in changing how she acts to suit a situation, Nina is also an expert at reading body language. The second she sees Luo Binghe in the distance, she can immediately see that something is wrong; the way he's walking, the way he's holding his posture -- he's upset, but not entirely angry, not in the way he sometimes is. She closes the distance quickly.

"What happened?" She demands, a gentle hand on his arm.

[protagonisthalo]

"Nina," Luo Binghe exhales. He is relieved for a moment, then abruptly afraid—if Nina ever broke him with, he doesn't know what he would do. But she was there throughout the incident with Claudius; it wouldn't make sense for her to object to it now. Still he takes her hand, clasping it anxiously. "Will you promise me you won't forsake me?"

[ravkanwitch]

"What-- Why are you saying this?" Nina asks, a worried tone to her voice. She's never seen him this anxious before. "I promise, but please tell me what happened."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe is ashamed to say it, ashamed that even after everything he's proven to himself and the world, he can still be abandoned so easily. "Sagramore broke ties with me. Over my treatment of Claudius."

[ravkanwitch]

Nina's first instinct is to react with something along the lines of Sagramore?! That doesn't sound like him-- but that's not helpful. That would be even more hurtful, to hear that Sagramore would do something to Luo Binghe that's out of character. She doesn't say anything, not yet. She just pulls him into a tight hug.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe knows it is uncharacteristic, anyway—he knows that Sagramore is very friendly, and that his affection for Luo Binghe was unfeigned. If he doubted it—and he often did—he would need only visit Sagramore's dreams to confirm the truth of his warmth toward Luo Binghe. To have lost it is worse than never to have had it. People hate him for all sorts of reasons, most of them meaningless. But for Sagramore to lose regard for him means that he is no longer good enough for one of the kindest people here. "I hate this place sometimes."

[ravkanwitch]

"Did something happen to trigger it?" Nina asks, gently. Unless Luo Binghe did something new, which she thinks isn't likely since he's been trying to not ruffle any feathers... this must be over the blood parasites. It felt like that happened an age and a half ago. The two of them weren't even that close, then -- but it was a pivotal moment in their friendship.

[protagonisthalo]

"I don't know. I think he has been growing steadily closer to Claudius." And steadily closer to Luo Binghe, but apparently Luo Binghe does not inspire love in Sagramore.

If it were something more recent, Luo Binghe could understand better, but instead it is something he did before he even learned the rules of this place. Before he cared about anyone here. Since he spoke with Nina, he hasn't created unnecessary conflict again. But he cannot go back and erase his actions, and neither can he do anything to prevent their lingering shrapnel from coming down on him. For Luo Binghe, who cannot stand having important things out of his control, it is intolerable.