[closed post] aftermath

[protagonisthalo]

More than anything, Luo Binghe wishes this weren't so familiar. He is well accustomed to people drawn in by his beauty and charm, who turn away when they see what he is truly like. It has happened with nearly all of his wives, except Liu Mingyan. (He would love to see Liu Mingyan right now; how she would laugh at the idea that barely a day of torment inflicted on an enemy has caused all this trouble.)

It is still hard to believe Shen Yuan will not someday reach his limit and discover something that repulses him. But so far, no matter how deep he digs into Luo Binghe's darkness, he only fills it with light. Luo Binghe wants that feeling now. He wants to bathe in Shen Yuan's love and forgiveness; to transform under the light of his smile into someone worth loving. (A dose of sharp pain as he remembers the wish he involuntarily expressed to Claudius under the truth spell: I want to be proven wrong. I want someone to see some good in me that I did not recognize, and show me what it is. Shen Yuan has not yet convinced him, but he has come closer than Luo Binghe thought possible.) He is looking for Shen Yuan, following the pull of the blood they share, but if he passes by anyone else he counts as a friend, he will want to see them too.

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[protagonisthalo]

That, for some reason, is the first thing to make Luo Binghe's eyes sting. Shen Yuan and Sagramore are so close, and even though he knows he is first in Shen Yuan's heart, some part of him was bracing for Shen Yuan to agree with his friend. He shakes his head. "You must be one of very few who would think so. I am—not well-liked." It is why losing one person feels so catastrophic.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan shakes his head, more in disapproval than disagreement. He wants to disagree—even putting aside Nina and Janet and the other more casual friendships Binghe has established, Sagramore does like Binghe—but pointing that out right now would just make it even more glaringly obvious that he doesn't like him enough. Which is such bullshit. "It's such bullshit," he complains out loud, because Binghe wants him to say more of his thoughts out loud. "Claudius has so many friends and lovers. He doesn't need to steal yours, too."

[protagonisthalo]

"That's exactly what I thought too," Luo Binghe bursts out. "He is so popular, I can't understand it. He flattered me terribly when we first met—I suppose some weak-minded and self-absorbed people¹ like that, Lan Wangji perhaps—but over time, does it not wear thin? And I—" He breaks off, caught off guard by a wave of fresh hurt when he was starting to enjoy complaining about Claudius. "To be in a small group like this, openly hated by most—it's—"

It's just a reminder that his wealth and influence were the only reasons anyone liked him at all, back in the demon realm. And his body, his beauty and sexual prowess, which Sagramore did always admire. He is glad that Shen Yuan has read so much about him, and that he never has to find the words to explain his adolescence. Luo Binghe tried so hard to be liked, for so long, and for some people it is like breathing.

¹OBVIOUSLY such tactics don't work on Luo Binghe.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan takes both his hands and presses kisses to his knuckles. "You're not openly hated by most," he says, gently. "Maybe by some, those with terrible taste and no empathy, like Lan Wangji, or who are particularly close with Claudius—but not most. There are new people here all the time, and many of them have no reason to care about something that happened months before they came. And—" he hesitates. "Sagramore doesn't hate you. Did he say he hated you?"

[protagonisthalo]

"No." The question forces him to remember what Sagramore said, some of which is already receding into a storm of hurt and self-loathing. "He said that he cared about me, and was grateful for my friendship, but that it wouldn't be right to continue it."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan makes a face. "Well, obviously I disagree with his conclusion--but that is different from hating you. If he cares for you, and he wouldn't lie about that, it's because he sees things in you worthy of care." He smooths Binghe's hair back from his face. "Just like I do. Just like Nina does. And just like other people will, when we show you off to them, when you demonstrate who you are now, and not just who you were when you arrived."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe leans toward him, a mute ask to be held again. His mind still dwelling on the truth-compelled conversation with Claudius, he says, "What things? What are they?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan wraps him up in his arms, pulling his head to his chest and petting his hair. "You're strong," he says. "And I don't mean physically powerful, which, obviously, but—I mean resilient. You've dealt with so much, been forced to deal with so much, and you kept going. You're the most intelligent person I know," canonically the most intelligent person in the world, actually, "in pretty much every way there is to be intelligent. You learn new skills almost effortlessly. You provide for those you care for. I knew it already, from reading about you and your wives, but I've seen it, this month, with everything going wrong in the kitchens; you still made sure Nina had enough to eat, and not just sustenance, either. You cobbled together such delicious, generous meals, for her and for me, even though I don't need it. And you're so good at knowing what you need, and expressing that." He kisses the top of Binghe's head, softly. "I really admire that. How easy it was for you to accept yourself, your desires, when I struggled so hard against it, because you always know the things you're feeling, and you never hesitate to communicate them."

[protagonisthalo]

It wasn't that easy. Luo Binghe also resisted it. And the truth is that if it had been easier for him to accept, things might have gone better for Claudius. What Claudius knew about Luo Binghe—how easily he submitted to the touch of an attractive man—was a large part of why Luo Binghe was threatened by him. It seems so foolish now, when loving men—a man—has brought him unimaginable happiness. But, even with all that in mind, it might indeed be said that it was easier for him than Shen Yuan.

Under truth compulsion, Claudius said the one good quality he saw in Luo Binghe was his protectiveness. Even now he harbors resentment for Claudius' brother, and was viciously glad to hear of his death. But to him, caring so much so quickly was humiliating. He expected Claudius to view it with contempt, not value it even through his hatred.

Now, Shen Yuan says that he also admires how Luo Binghe cares for those important to him. He has never thought of it as a good quality, because he knows the reasons behind it. Eternally that deprived child, Luo Binghe still hates for anyone to touch what he counts as his. It is possessiveness and a need for control, not generosity.

Yet he does love fiercely. Almost debilitatingly. He has long thought it his worst flaw, the shameful result of a childhood deprived of love, something he should have left in the Abyssal pits. Something shifts within him when he considers that it might instead be his greatest strength. That the people who like him might do so because he loves them—because of how he shows his love—rather than pitying him for it. It goes against everything he knows about the world, but he has seen in Shen Yuan how blind a man can be to his own goodness. Might he have a clearer view of Luo Binghe than Luo Binghe himself?

He wishes desperately that he could discuss it with Liu Mingyan or Ning Yingying. Someone who has known him for longer, outside this disorienting place that makes him a stranger to himself.

He burrows a little deeper into Shen Yuan's embrace. "It is because my love language is acts of service."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan is startled into a laugh. "Your--who told you about love languages?"

[protagonisthalo]

"I read about them in a book from the library. Mine are acts of service and words of affirmation. And yours, I think, is physical touch." Although Luo Binghe worried, when he read it, that this was yet more evidence of his shameful neediness, because he wants Shen Yuan to speak to him in all of the love languages available.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan nods. "Physical touch and quality time, I think," he says. "And in terms of things I want to give you—I'm trying to do better with words of affirmation, like we talked about." He tries not to think about Sagramore telling him Binghe needs that, even before Binghe had, and fails. "I can keep going, by the way." He kisses the top of Binghe's head again, this time slightly silly, with a little smack! "I'm not done telling you why you're lovable and good."

[protagonisthalo]

"I want to hear it." He could never possibly hear enough of this from Shen Yuan to satisfy him.

[peaklordshen]

"You're clever and charming in conversation. You make me laugh. You make me happy. And you work so hard, Binghe. You've always worked so hard, at everything you've ever done. You've built your way up from nothing, less than nothing—I think it's incredible. I really—" He shakes his head. "I've never really worked for anything, ever, in my life. I can't imagine doing what you've done."

When he'd first gotten here, he's not sure he would have recognized Binghe as hardworking. Not in the way he's thinking about it now. He would have thought about it as an inherent Protagonist trait, basically not worth mentioning. Of course he'd won what he'd won. Of course he'd gained what he'd gained. That was his genre, his story structure. But—his boyfriend is a person. Binghe had not been sailing through his story knowing everything would be easy. None of it was easy, even if it had been predictable from the outside. And when he pictures being in his place, having to make the choice, always, to pick up himself up off the ground, to swing his sword again—it makes his heart swell inside him. He gathers Binghe closer.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe's eyes fill with hot tears. Everything has always been so hard, and to know that Shen Yuan recognizes it exposes some buried tender part of him. This—a simple, undemanding life with a friendly group of people—should be a welcome respite. But he's ruined it. Because the monsters inside him have always been harder to manage than anything in the demon realm.

"You shouldn't have to. I'm glad you haven't gone through what I have." He doesn't realize until he says it that it inspires no envy in him. Envy and jealousy often poison his relationships; he was viciously envious of Sagramore. He just cannot wish for anything but the best for Shen Yuan.

[peaklordshen]

"You shouldn't have had to, either," says Shen Yuan, petting his head again. "No one should. That's not my point, though. You did go through it, and you never let it beat you. This won't, either. I wish this hadn't happened. I wish Sagramore hadn't done this to you. But he's just one man. He's not this whole place."

[protagonisthalo]

"Mm." Luo Binghe lets himself be soothed by the words and Shen Yuan's hand in his hair. It feels good on the surface, but it doesn't touch the dark storm stirred up by the conversation with Sagramore. He cannot shake the dread that he has done something terribly wrong, something unfixable—familiar dread that often comes over him unprovoked, but thick as smoke in his throat now. And he will miss Sagramore. He misses him already. Of all his deficits and weaknesses, the primary one must be how poorly he tolerates loss.

He shifts a little in Shen Yuan's arms. "Have I told you what happened the day of the childhood curse?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan shakes his head, and then realizes Binghe is too buried in his robes to be able to see him. "Just about giving Nina a lovely dream," he says. "Nothing about what else happened to you as a child." Besides being given a bunch of snacks by yours truly.

[protagonisthalo]

"It's just that Claudius and I got along well, as children. He gave me, ah, a token of friendship. A ring."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan blinks, startled. Not that Claudius and Binghe got along well as kids— he hadn't met de-aged Claudius, bt who wouldn't get along with baby Binghe??—but at the second part. "He gave you a ring? Do you still have it?"

[protagonisthalo]

"I gave it back, of course." He would not keep a token of affection from someone who hates him. "But we spoke again on the day of the truth curse. Claudius knows me very well. Second only to you, perhaps. It is different than the animosity that Lan Wangji and I share, which is marked by total disinterest on both sides. It seems the project of this mansion to force us to understand each other, and perhaps to prove that familiarity does not breed affection." Or, more likely, to show Luo Binghe what he could have had; to force him to feel the loss of Claudius' regard, a hurt he attempted to bury once he'd decided to cease his revenge. He resents it.

[peaklordshen]

Childhood tokens and depths of understanding--and everyone thought Shen Yuan was crazy to read narrative significance into Claudius and Binghe! "I do think there's something here with a cruel streak," he admits. "I mean--obviously trapping us here at all is cruel. But--you weren't trapped with Claudius in the closet. Maybe the spirits have moved on. Maybe Sagramore's is the last blow of this you'll have to endure."

[protagonisthalo]

"Perhaps," Luo Binghe allows, though he is unconvinced. He still has much to lose. The more he is rejected by those around them, the more he turns to Shen Yuan. If he has no one else, then their relationship must be everything to them, and it must be perfect—and although Shen Yuan is perfect, Luo Binghe is far from it. It scares him to have so much resting on one person, like a palace erected precariously on only one pillar. But there's nothing he can do about it now—save making sure his friendship with Nina is in no danger. He sighs.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan runs a hand up and down his back, soothing. "Do you," he starts, and then hesitates. "Do you want me to stop hanging out with him?"

[protagonisthalo]

It's tempting. Of course it is. It would devastate Sagramore. Wrenching Shen Yuan away would hurt him in a way no one could possibly blame Luo Binghe for. It would only be fair.

The thought of the two of them continuing their friendship—enjoying each other's company, laughing, sharing drinks, all without Luo Binghe—arouses something ugly and dark within him. Stopping it would feed the hot satisfaction he has been chasing for years, the addictive rush of watching Qing Jing Peak burn to the ground, or taking the daughter of an enemy to his marriage bed. The reassurance that those who hurt him will pay. That he doesn't have to simply endure suffering, like when he was a powerless child. The world, now, rights itself around him. It is the least he would do to Sagramore, if he were the man his wives have always known him to be.

But it would hurt Shen Yuan as well. He'd pretend it didn't, if he thought it was what Luo Binghe wanted, but Luo Binghe knows what Shen Yuan is like when he is pretending not to be upset. Losing his train of thought, stumbling over words. The unconvincing smiles. He can't be the one to cause it.

It strikes him why he has always held himself back from love, holding even those closest to him at arm's length. It truly has weakened him. It has made him easier to hurt, and taken away his ability to protect himself—he thinks unhappily of allowing Galahad to threaten him with no recourse.

Yet, still he chooses it. Now he truly understands the meaning of the saying "A beauty can destroy an empire."

The answer is no, but Luo Binghe still wants to stall a little before answering. "You would do that for me?"