[closed post] aftermath

[protagonisthalo]

More than anything, Luo Binghe wishes this weren't so familiar. He is well accustomed to people drawn in by his beauty and charm, who turn away when they see what he is truly like. It has happened with nearly all of his wives, except Liu Mingyan. (He would love to see Liu Mingyan right now; how she would laugh at the idea that barely a day of torment inflicted on an enemy has caused all this trouble.)

It is still hard to believe Shen Yuan will not someday reach his limit and discover something that repulses him. But so far, no matter how deep he digs into Luo Binghe's darkness, he only fills it with light. Luo Binghe wants that feeling now. He wants to bathe in Shen Yuan's love and forgiveness; to transform under the light of his smile into someone worth loving. (A dose of sharp pain as he remembers the wish he involuntarily expressed to Claudius under the truth spell: I want to be proven wrong. I want someone to see some good in me that I did not recognize, and show me what it is. Shen Yuan has not yet convinced him, but he has come closer than Luo Binghe thought possible.) He is looking for Shen Yuan, following the pull of the blood they share, but if he passes by anyone else he counts as a friend, he will want to see them too.

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[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe lets himself savor it for a long moment before relenting. "No. It won't make me feel better for you to lose a friend." Besides, unlike some people, he allows his boyfriend to choose his own connections. "Just do not speak of him to me."

Once again, it feels seismic, like something has shifted that cannot be put back. Never before has he prioritized anything over vengeance and retribution. It leaves him hollow, unsure who he is or what will be left of him if he stays here much longer. But everyone seems to agree that the change is good—Nina herself said it was his best quality. He plucks at Shen Yuan's robes idly with his fingers, troubled.

[peaklordshen]

"Sweetheart." Shen Yuan turns his face upward and kisses him softly on the forehead. He's relieved, and touched, and so full of love and sorrow. "Thank you."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe loves to receive Shen Yuan's affection more than anything, but right now it aches, the way even silk grates against a raw wound. He has allowed so much because of Shen Yuan: the disrespect from Lan Wangji, the intimidation from Galahad, and now this utter rejection; all things he would never have tolerated before. If he cannot rage against these slights, his only choice is to feel them. It is far more difficult than fighting.

He looks away, unable to stand the undiluted love in Shen Yuan's gaze. It's not a selfless act, anyway. If Luo Binghe cannot be happy—and twenty-six years of evidence suggests that he cannot—then Shen Yuan must be happy, so Luo Binghe can at least feel the warmth of it.

"Will you tell me again why you didn't like Final Sunrise?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan huffs, relieved and then immediately guilty about that relief. He's not built for emotional support—he always feels like he's saying the wrong thing, or just talking out of his ass—but being mad at fiction he can absolutely do. "Lay down," he orders, and then doesn't wait for Binghe to do it, manhandling him until he's lying across the couch, head in Shen Yuan's lap where it's most easily petted and caressed.

"Okay," he says. "So first of all. The fucking pregnancy plotline, which was so obviously shoehorned in to end the love triangle drama without anyone being sad or uncomfortable ever again, which is unrealistic writing. Add in on top of that the sudden time travel plot, even though that element hasn't existed in this universe at all until the last minute—it's like a fucking—human centipede of deus ex machinas, one after the other, and the romance between Isabelle and Ted, what little of it there still is, gets totally lost in all the nonsense about Kathlauren returning from the future to save Jake's life and them being in love even though Jake was definitely in love with Isabelle the whole time."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe lets Shen Yuan pet him, soothed by his familiar beloved irritation with the Blood at Dusk series. He was reading Shen Yuan's notes on the book when Sagramore came to comfort him and they fell into bed the second time. The memories hurt; Luo Binghe knows himself well enough to know such a sharp edge will take a long time to dull.

It is worse to think of how Sagramore must be doing some version of this same reckoning, retreating to Claudius—or perhaps his husband—or some other of his innumerable friends and lovers, and telling them he has parted ways with Luo Binghe. Undoubtedly, they are assuring him of how right he was to do so, how dangerous and evil Luo Binghe is, how unworthy of forgiveness. None of that is new. Many people in his own world think the same, but Luo Binghe has always been able to either change their minds or vanquish them in combat. He can do neither to Sagramore, and nor does he want to. He won't grovel to him, and even if it weren't for the social consequences, hurting him has little appeal. With no outlet, the hurt is left to fester inside Luo Binghe like an infected wound, poisoning him throughout. Even Shen Yuan cannot fix it, but the fact that he would try makes him unbearably precious. "Jake's feelings for Isabelle always struck me as insincere," he says mildly.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan rolls his eyes fondly. "I know, it was the thing you wrote most often in the margins of Moonless Midnights. But don't tell me you like him with Kathlauren? If they had to write him a romance, couldn't it have been someone outside of that whole thing? Why not make him gay or something? I still don't think it would make sense, but it would be better than fucking time travel. And it would explain the vibes in that one shirtless scene in the snow."

Wow, listen to him. He sounds like a MoBing shipper or something. He knows this is just distraction for Binghe, helping him not dwell on his hurt. But that's necessary sometimes, right? He knows Binghe usually broods and broods. It's part of his sex appeal. But that doesn't make it healthy, necessarily. If sounding like a fujoshi is what it takes to help his boyfriend process hurt better, so be it.

[protagonisthalo]

"That would have been better," Luo Binghe concedes. "Are you suggesting there was tension between Jake and Ted?"

The answer doesn't really matter. He's only asking because he knows Shen Yuan will give a long answer. He doesn't want to think about Sagramore, because he cannot figure out what to do, and doing nothing at all is terrifying. Instead, he closes his eyes and settles in to be petted and lectured at.

[peaklordshen]

"Oh, I don't think it was well-written tension," Shen Yuan says archly, and leans down to kiss Binghe's sweet head. "It's just one of many things that could have been explored in the hands of a competent writer." He kisses him again. "I'm starting to think there are a lot of heterosexual love triangles that have a little bit of queerness to them, you know?" A kiss between every sentence, just because he can. "Like, not all of the aggression is really about jealousy." Kiss. "Sometimes a guy is obsessed with fighting another guy because he's obsessed with that guy, not the love interest they share." Kiss—and a little nuzzle to his temple. He smells so good. "On the other hand, sometimes a love triangle is so toxic that nobody there can be anything but straight." Kiss. "Like in..."