protagonisthalo | [closed post] aftermath

More than anything, Luo Binghe wishes this weren't so familiar. He is well accustomed to people drawn in by his beauty and charm, who turn away when they see what he is truly like. It has happened with nearly all of his wives, except Liu Mingyan. (He would love to see Liu Mingyan right now; how she would laugh at the idea that barely a day of torment inflicted on an enemy has caused all this trouble.)

It is still hard to believe Shen Yuan will not someday reach his limit and discover something that repulses him. But so far, no matter how deep he digs into Luo Binghe's darkness, he only fills it with light. Luo Binghe wants that feeling now. He wants to bathe in Shen Yuan's love and forgiveness; to transform under the light of his smile into someone worth loving. (A dose of sharp pain as he remembers the wish he involuntarily expressed to Claudius under the truth spell: I want to be proven wrong. I want someone to see some good in me that I did not recognize, and show me what it is. Shen Yuan has not yet convinced him, but he has come closer than Luo Binghe thought possible.) He is looking for Shen Yuan, following the pull of the blood they share, but if he passes by anyone else he counts as a friend, he will want to see them too.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's difficult to hear him speak Luo Binghe's vulnerabilities so plainly, even though he is only repeating what Luo Binghe said. "Yes."

"I think," says Kade, slowly. "And I could be totally off-base here. But if you're scared of being hurt, and you're feeling... recently betrayed by a lack of loyalty..." He purses his lips, trying to sound out his thoughts before sharing them. "And you have a thing for wanting to maintain control over uncertain situations... it might sound really counterintuitive, but giving people the opportunity to surprise you by relaxing some of that control you're inclined to seek might yield dividends." But that wasn't Luo Binghe's question. "I think maybe whether it's worth it comes down to your reasons for wanting to try."

"Mm." The idea of giving up control to gain control—not over people, but over his fears—is counterintuitive. But Luo Binghe is starting to truly value Kade's insight, so he will continue to think on it.

There are many reasons he wishes to change how he relates to people—the unique challenges of the mansion, the realization that his harem and riches didn't bring him as much satisfaction as he thought they did—bit only one he wants to discuss. "For me to have so few close companions... it causes trouble for Shen Yuan. My boyfriend," he clarifies. "He's very well-liked, and I would not come between him and his friends. But several of his friends... have irreconcilable conflicts with me. I don't want things to deteriorate any further."

"Shen Yuan," Kade repeats, blankly, and then nods "Oh! Right. I've met him." He leans back, regarding Luo Binghe. "How irreconcilable are we talkin'?"

Luo Binghe makes a face. "Irreconcilable."

Okay, then. Kade nods. "So you want more friends in part so that he doesn't worry about you?" A thoughtful pause. "So that there are people who will stand up for you, so it's not down to him?"

Luo Binghe nods, disquieted that Kade pinpointed the issue so precisely, even though he was attempting to explain it. He hates to be misunderstood, but there is still something dangerous about anyone but Shen Yuan and Nina understanding him. "I don't wish to burden him." Luo Binghe's love is already so much of a burden.

"So what do you think you're gonna do?"

Luo Binghe considers. He is still raw with hurt from Sagramore's rejection, and he wants to curl protectively around that hurt, using it as an excuse to retract into his protective shell of cruelty. But Kade is right. He is miserable now because of his actions, and though it feels necessary to be so harsh and defensive, he cannot expect change unless he accepts risk. He swallows. "When defeated in combat, I have always applied myself to learning to be stronger until I succeed. But I think... in the past I have accepted social defeat, rather than learning from it. It is worth an attempt."

He didn't know that being liked was something he could learn; he always assumed his nature doomed him to rejection and conflict from birth.

Kade nods, and steeples his fingers, regarding Luo Binghe. "How can I help?"

What he wants to say is, don't turn on me. Be predictable, be sympathetic and kind, and don't make Luo Binghe feel like Sagramore has, like his every connection is tenuous as spun sugar. But it is difficult to make those requests from a place of vulnerable entreaty, rather than demand them as he would as Emperor. Luo Binghe is starting to fear that, separated from his throne, he has never progressed at all from the scared, needy child he's tried so hard to kill.

"You've offered friendship," he says. "All I ask is that if others speak to you of me poorly, you will speak with me yourself, and make your own assessments, and do not reject me simply to appease them."

"Oh, well, that sounds way easy," Kade says. "Deal."

Luo Binghe's mouth turns up in a tiny smile, pleased despite himself. "Deal."

[closed post] aftermath

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