[open post] revivification research

[protagonisthalo]

((cw: discussion of death))

Luo Binghe has not slept in two weeks. This period of loss is temporary, it must be—he will not let it be otherwise—but living through it is as arduous a thing as he has ever done. If he is able to be with Shen Yuan again, it will be a trial equal to his value.

More than anything it is the desperate, searing loneliness that might end him. He spends as much time as possible with Nina, terrified that his neediness will drive her away, but wildly, irrationally resentful of anything that takes her from his side. If he could, he would sleep curled up on her floor like a dog, but he must spend all night sharing his qi with Shen Yuan so his body will not be damaged.

Even with Nina, the loneliness is brutal, a physical pain like he's swallowed a knife carved from ice. It's a present, unrelenting hurt that screams itself into his awareness at all times, impossible to quiet or ignore. He misses Shen Yuan. No one else in the world matters enough.

Luo Binghe spent five years in the Endless Abyss, and it has only been three years since he escaped. Though he is no longer there physically, his mind often returns him to the Abyss: danger everywhere, and no respite from fear, because relaxing means death. In that cursed place he learned to wake ready for danger, expecting an attack at any moment. It is like that again now, but what he fears most is not the Mansion, or the person—if there is one—who took Shen Yuan from him. It is the absence at his side where Shen Yuan is not, the unnatural emptiness that he cannot escape. This is a monster cannot defeat, and it is slowly bleeding the life from him.

He is currently in the library, agonizingly separated from Nina for the moment, frantically reading anything he can find about communicating with a disembodied soul. Luo Binghe is usually fastidious, but the books in front of him are sprawled all over the table, and halfway onto the next table as well. Exhaustion makes the words swim and pulse in front of him; he forces his eyes to stay open, reading each sentence several times as he tries to hammer each word into his aching head.

Comments

[ninth_cavalier]

Gideon only haunts the library when she's really bored and wants to bully Aziraphale, but today she's surprised to find Luo Binghe in there instead, his tall, elegant form hunched over a reading table. He looks—honestly, he looks like shit. He's pale and pinched and furious and glaring and lost, a combination she's intimately familiar with. If Gideon didn't know better, she'd diagnose him with Channeling Way Too Much Thalergy Disease and expect him to start bleeding from every orifice any second.

...And maybe she doesn't know better, because a quick glimpse at the books strewn around him reveals them as necromancy texts. "Yo," she says. "Your Imperial Majesty. Thought you only read fun shit."

[protagonisthalo]

It takes Luo Binghe's fatigued brain a moment to remember her name. "...Gideon."

The last time he saw her was at Dionysus' dance, when Shen Yuan was pushing him to make friends. The memory burns like acid. Everything here, every mote of this place carries Shen Yuan's fingerprints. The mansion is cast into a negative of his shape, waiting for him to return.

Or perhaps it's only Luo Binghe who feels that way. "I am in no mood to talk," he says shortly.

[ninth_cavalier]

"Yeah," says Gideon, master of talking to people who are in no mood to talk to her. "Looks like you're in a mood to raise the dead."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe's eyes snap to her, and his glare deepens. "Is that any of your business?"

[ravkanwitch]

Ever since her conversation with Lan Wangji, Nina has tried to be there for Luo Binghe as much as possible -- and though she's been much more subdued than normal, it can absolutely be conflated with the crushing feeling of grief. To compound the situation, no matter how hard she tries, she's unable to get into contact with Shen Yuan's spirit. She isn't going to mention anything about either problem to him, of course. He has enough to deal with at the moment.

Thanks to Dark, she knows that he technically doesn't need to eat that much, but when Nina enters the library she's carrying a rather sad-looking sandwich. She tried her best to cut even slices of bread and then toast it but it's all turned out somewhat lopsided and somehow burnt along one edge.

"Hi," she says quietly. "I know you're not hungry, but I brought something for you."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe's eyes catch on the sandwich; it blurs dangerously before he blinks his vision clear. "Nina," he says, his voice hoarse. "Thank you." He has no appetite, and the sandwich does not look very appealing, but the gesture is immeasurably precious to him. Besides, it cannot be worse than Shen Yuan's congee. The thought makes his throat ache.

[ravkanwitch]

Nina isn't going to make him eat the sandwich if he doesn't want to, but she does set it down on the table near him in case he changes his mind. She worries her bottom lip slightly and peers at the books open in front of him. "Any luck?"

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe sweeps his eyes over the books he's been studying. He's so drained that he can't remember which ones he's already looked at; even the page he was just reading would be difficult to summarize. The obvious answer—what Shen Yuan would say if he were here—is that taking time off to rest would let him work more effectively. But he can't bear the thought of tearing himself away. He's weary of throwing himself at the problem, but the alternative is to do nothing, and he can't live with things how they are. "Perhaps. Many different worlds and cultures have ways of cheating death, but whether they're effective or just folklore, I could not say."

He looks back at her, miserable. "Nina. I worry it was my own fault."

[wickedwit]

Every day condolement flowers are left at the door to Shen Yuan's room, without a note or card. It's possible Luo Binghe won't recognize them as condolement flowers at all -- they're white flowers, white lilies, white hyacinths, and spring bloodrot -- but they were hardly left for Luo Binghe's sake. It's the appropriate thing to do, when there's mourning, so the condolements will continue whether or not anyone takes them.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe stops by Shen Yuan's room regularly; he comes to expect the flowers. They could come from anyone here, or even from the mansion itself, some insultingly inadequate attempt from its spirits to acknowledge what he's lost. Compared to preserving a body, keeping cut flowers alive takes very little effort. He arranges them in vases around Shen Yuan's room, dutifully changing the water daily so the flowers, like himself, can keep vigil, awaiting Shen Yuan's return.

[mothwingofriverclan]

After hearing the news that one of the twolegs had died, Mothwing asks around for more information about him. She's not as shaken by his death as a lot of the twolegs are; death is a fact of life, especially as a Clan cat. Mothwing's lost her brother, her mother, Leafpool, and most recently Willowshine. She believes in StarClan now, but she certainly doesn't think it's guaranteed that she'll end up there. She's more equipped than most to face uncertainty in death.

She gathers some thyme and poppy seeds from her store, carefully wrapping them into a bundle, then sets out to find Shen Yuan's mate, Luo Binghe.

She finds him in the library, looking about as harried as she'd expected. She leaps up onto the table and sets her bundle down.

"Hello. I am Mothwing. I wanted to come offer my sympathies for your loss."

[protagonisthalo]

Nina, Luo Binghe thinks, before his strained mind clears enough for him to realize. He has not met Mothwing, though he fed her soft little body broth and stroked her pink nose on the day of switched bodies. She is not Nina though, she is a stranger, and the thought of talking about Shen Yuan makes Luo Binghe so tired his teeth ache. He barely nods in acknowledgement and turns back to what he was reading.

[mothwingofriverclan]

Mothwing's tail flicks anxiously. He seems worse off than she'd thought. "I brought some herbs for shock." She nudges them closer with her nose. "Of course, no herb can completely fix how you feel, but these might calm you enough to get some sleep."

[protagonisthalo]

"I can't," Luo Binghe grits out, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. His head hurts. "I am trying to find—something. A way to bring him back."

[temnota]

Aleksander's relationship with Luo Binghe was complicated at best but for Shen Yuan's sake, he had done his best to be polite and cordial. However much of a blow Shen Yuan's loss was to him, he knew from deep bitter experience that this was a thousand times worse for Luo Binghe. It was this understanding that led him to seek Luo Binghe out.

Finally finding him in the library, he bowed very deeply. "I am sorry for your loss," he said. "Shen Yuan was a good man."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe blearily raises his eyes. It seems like so much effort to talk to anyone but Nina, or to wrest his mind away from the problem of resurrection, even though he is making no progress. His "research" has dwindled into staring at the page while he replays waking with Shen Yuan in his arms, his mind reaching back into the emptiness for the unknown moment when he could have stepped in, thrown himself in front of Shen Yuan, rushed him to Magnus earlier, changed everything.

Aleksander does not even like him. He must be speaking to him now as a gesture to the memory of Shen Yuan. Luo Binghe will be cordial for the same reason, though it feels like a sick joke to impose Shen Yuan's presence between them when he is absent. "Your sympathies are noted," he says, deeply uncomfortable.

[temnota]

It seemed wrong to just offer his condolences then leave but what else could he do? He did not think Luo Binghe would accept any help from him and even if he did, it was not in Aleksander's power to do the one thing he surely wanted most - bring back Shen Yuan. Grandfather Morozova had been said to be able to bring back the dead and he had also been known to say 'Are we not all things' when it came to the question of Grisha power. But Aleksander was not his grandfather and even if the Mansion would let him call on merzost, his only affinity was shadow. He did not have any sense of how bodies worked the way a Heartrender or Healer did.

"I want you to know that you are not alone," he said slowly. "I also have lost someone I loved in a violent way. I will spare you from all of the things other well-meaning people have said = I understand well how little it helps. I will only say that I know how terrible and hard everything is right now."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe's initial reaction is defensive anger. He doesn't know how it is; no one could possibly be as valuable as Shen Yuan, and therefore no one has ever lost what Luo Binghe has lost. But he's too exhausted even to snap at Aleksander. And besides... even though Luo Binghe mistrusts Aleks, due to Nina's caution, Shen Yuan likes him quite a bit. In his absence, it seems important to honor that.

"He cares for you." It doesn't even cross his mind to use the past tense. "He worried your powers would make you a target, and asked me to help prevent it."

[vineleaves]

Dionysus brings a large basket, full of various food items and a card, to Luo Binghe's door. He knocks, but if there is no answer he will leave the basket outside the door anyway. He understands that people need alone time when going through something like this. He has been through this enough himself to know.

The card reads simply,

I know this isn't easy. I've gone through the same. If you need anything, or if you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to reach out.

-Dionysus

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe opens the door some time later, and when he sees the basket and card, he is glad to be alone to receive it. He looks at the card for much longer than it takes him to read it. There was once a time when he could expect lavish gifts and tribute from both his kingdoms, but gifts have a different meaning here; for him, they are not easy to come by. He cannot imagine talking about this with anyone, much less a near-stranger, but the offer sticks in his chest, a little pang that he doesn't know what to do with.

[kadewest]

We can assume that as soon as Kade hears the news, he'll track his friend down to offer support. He won't burden Luo Binghe with questions about the plan to revive Shen Yuan, but he'll offer a listening ear if Luo Binghe wants to talk through any of his thoughts, and he'll share anything Luo Binghe wants to know about his own experiences with temporary, devastating goodbyes.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan barely knows Luo Binghe, but she rather liked Shen Yuan, and so sometime after her encounter with Sagramore (whether this falls before or after Nina's announcement that there's a way out of this is at the discretion of other mansion spirits), she tracks him down and knocks a hello on the wall.

[protagonisthalo]

After learning of Shen Yuan's potential new body from Magnus, Luo Binghe passed out in his room and slept for a full day and night. Now he is back in the library with a renewed purpose: to research the Sun and Moon Dew Mushroom. The sleep and the hope of a solution have together restored some of his strength, but there are still too many unanswered questions. Shen Yuan's absence still feels unnatural. Luo Binghe's heart breaks anew a thousand times a day, every time he sees empty space where his lover should be.

The knock startles him; he felt Susan approach with his qi sense, but he did not think she meant to speak to him. They spoke once that he can recall, when Luo Binghe was agitated over Shen Yuan's confusing behavior toward him, and it did not go well. "Yes?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I came to see if you need anything," Susan says, in that businesslike way she has when she's skirting around a deeper emotion.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe knows he is not well-liked—not in general, and he did not make a good impression on Susan specifically. As much as he wants to take this offer as the comfort it's meant, he cannot help thinking any kindness extended toward him is due to the goodwill many feel for Shen Yuan. It is a complicated, tender bargain. It hurts to remember how little people like him, how little they would care if it weren't for this tragedy. But there is something heartbreakingly sweet in knowing Shen Yuan's goodness and love yet benefits him, the way the warmth of the sun lingers even after it sets.

"I don't require much," he settles on. "I do not need to eat, and I rarely need to sleep."