Luo Binghe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
protagonisthalo) wrote2024-09-21 08:12 am
protagonisthalo) wrote2024-09-21 08:12 am
[prose] a brief parting
[Written in collaboration with ravkanwitch and peaklordshen]
Luo Binghe has come so that Nina might help him speak to Shen Yuan. But he also wants to see her. His moods sometimes take him too far into his own head, making him distance himself from his few, precious friends, but he is eager to repair that. Thus, he stops her with a hand on her arm before they enter the room where Shen Yuan's presence is strong enough for Nina to contact. “My sweet Nina. Have you been well?”
Nina has been more than happy to help him and support him, so this question gives her pause for a second, and she looks over at Luo Binghe in mild surprise. "Physically, I feel better than ever. I think it’s because I've been using the Small Sciences more. Mentally, I'm... I'm surprisingly fine, considering everything. What brought this on? Are you alright?"
“No worse than usual. When Aornis died... did you recover memories?”
At this, she pauses. Shen Yuan had seemed so lonely and bored in her memories. They had talked about Luo Binghe a lot, repeatedly. “Yes. Apparently, I’ve never really spoken with her, but… Shen Yuan. She had wiped all of my conversations with him.”
Luo Binghe nods grimly. Lan Wangji had said so, back when they were trying to figure out why Nina couldn't speak with Shen Yuan, but it still must have been unsettling for her to suddenly remember.
“I remembered Shen Yuan dying,” he says quietly. “When we were fighting Aornis... She put a false memory in his head, to make him not trust me.” He swallows. “We argued over it. I think he wanted to believe me, but...”
“A false memory?” Nina asks, quietly. She hadn’t realized that she– that Aornis could do that. The thought of it is chilling; there isn’t even any Grisha who has control over memories or dreams. They would become much too powerful. “What sort of false memory?”
“Do you remember when Galahad confronted me? She made Shen Yuan think that I had hurt him, that I hadn't been able to restrain myself.” He squeezes his eyes shut, remembering how he had briefly doubted himself too, the dread and shame of wondering if his love for Shen Yuan hadn't been enough to overcome his nature.
Nina is silent for a moment. There have been times where she has questioned her own control as well, like what she would have done for parem had Matthias not been there the entire journey. She understands – but a false memory… The idea of it is horrifying. She puts a comforting hand on his arm. “I’m sure he understands.”
Luo Binghe puts a hand over hers, grateful. “I'm sure he knows now that it isn't the truth. But while the memory was false, he truly mistrusted me. Who is to say she didn't take advantage of doubt that already existed? Shen Yuan... sometimes misunderstands me.” He lowers his eyes. “I don't want to speak to him about it yet. It is a conversation to have face to face.” But his worry about it won't leave him.
“I’m sure he’s proud of you,” Nina tells him, switching tack slightly. “You were very brave.”
He gives her a little smile. “He does like reading tales of my battles. I hope he was able to see it firsthand.”
"Recovering the memories almost... helped me, in a way," Nina admits, carefully. "I was afraid I would only sense one death and then not know who it was until someone told me. But when the memories came flooding back, I knew immediately."
“Have you sensed her spirit?”
“No, I haven’t.” Nina frowns. “It’s odd. Even with Shen Yuan, when I couldn’t speak with him, I sensed… something.”
Luo Binghe has had a lot of time to think about ghosts. “Perhaps the mansion spirits have released her. I always had the sense they were not done with Shen Yuan... especially since, even in his absence, he was still replaced by an alternate self on the same day as everyone else. Whether we are alive or dead is immaterial—we are trapped here for as long as they will it.” He hesitates. “The mansion allowed Shen Yuan to die, and for that, I'll never forgive it. But it would be a mercy if it allowed Aornis' spirit to leave our company.”
Nina nods, in agreement. This is something she has thought about as well, the tidy way that Shen Yuan will be able to return. She almost wants to ask Luo Binghe about Shen Yuan’s alternate self — but they came here with a purpose. Her hand is still on his arm. “Are you ready to talk to him?”
Luo Binghe adjusts his arm so he can take her hand. "Yes." He walks with her into the room where Shen Yuan died, where Nina's powers work best.
Now that the plant body is almost mature—and Aornis is dead and cannot find it—it is safe to endow it with Shen Yuan's soul. But even though it will be a relief to have Shen Yuan's soul safely united with a body, it is also a loss. There's no telling how long it will be until Shen Yuan is able to fully return. Luo Binghe has grown used to curtains fluttering as he passes, or a book nudged infinitesimally toward his hand in the library. Even when he wasn't sure if Shen Yuan was present, the idea that he could be was immensely comforting. Now he truly will be alone again.
The table where they failed to have their date has long since been cleared. Luo Binghe releases Nina's hand and kneels at it, as though they could try again. Now that he has his memories, everything feels different than the previous times he and Nina have been in here to speak with Shen Yuan's spirit; it feels so haunted that he is glad to know that Nina has not felt Aornis' actual ghost.
"Beloved," he starts, before the rest of the words stick in his throat. He has so much to say, but he longs to say it to Shen Yuan's face. "I am weary of this separation. I will miss your spirit's presence by my side, and I will endeavor to stay near to yours until we are reunited."
Nina almost immediately tears up. “He’s here. He says he misses you so much. He doesn’t think it’ll be for much longer… He’s going to try and wake up soon because he’s tired of not being able to talk to you.”
Every time Luo Binghe hears Shen Yuan's words, even related through another, they pierce right through the veil of death that separates them. Shen Yuan's care for him is so easy and immediate, so unlike anyone else in Luo Binghe's life. His eyes also sting with tears. "I miss you. I would wait for centuries if I had to, but I can't—I can't wait much longer. It's so hard." He swallows against the tightness in his throat, his hands clenching on his knees. "I cannot stand thinking I won't be able to talk to you again. I—Please hurry back. No, take the time you need for your body to be whole and well. But—please."
He can't help babbling, and he can't bear to say goodbye, even though the more he talks the more he wants to see Shen Yuan's face. It's just so hard not to grasp at every scrap of him. It's the kind of painful, acidic want that Luo Binghe once felt as a child, watching other, well-fed children laugh and play. He tries to compose himself, breathing shakily. "You asked me before to tend to my needs. My most urgent need is for you. I will try my best to hold on."
Nina hears the response to this and she can’t help but look over to where the voice is coming from, but of course, there’s nobody there. “You’ve done so well, he says,” she tells Luo Binghe, voice firm and confident. “I agree. He’s— he’s proud of you. He’ll see us soon.”
ravkanwitch and peaklordshen]Luo Binghe has come so that Nina might help him speak to Shen Yuan. But he also wants to see her. His moods sometimes take him too far into his own head, making him distance himself from his few, precious friends, but he is eager to repair that. Thus, he stops her with a hand on her arm before they enter the room where Shen Yuan's presence is strong enough for Nina to contact. “My sweet Nina. Have you been well?”
Nina has been more than happy to help him and support him, so this question gives her pause for a second, and she looks over at Luo Binghe in mild surprise. "Physically, I feel better than ever. I think it’s because I've been using the Small Sciences more. Mentally, I'm... I'm surprisingly fine, considering everything. What brought this on? Are you alright?"
“No worse than usual. When Aornis died... did you recover memories?”
At this, she pauses. Shen Yuan had seemed so lonely and bored in her memories. They had talked about Luo Binghe a lot, repeatedly. “Yes. Apparently, I’ve never really spoken with her, but… Shen Yuan. She had wiped all of my conversations with him.”
Luo Binghe nods grimly. Lan Wangji had said so, back when they were trying to figure out why Nina couldn't speak with Shen Yuan, but it still must have been unsettling for her to suddenly remember.
“I remembered Shen Yuan dying,” he says quietly. “When we were fighting Aornis... She put a false memory in his head, to make him not trust me.” He swallows. “We argued over it. I think he wanted to believe me, but...”
“A false memory?” Nina asks, quietly. She hadn’t realized that she– that Aornis could do that. The thought of it is chilling; there isn’t even any Grisha who has control over memories or dreams. They would become much too powerful. “What sort of false memory?”
“Do you remember when Galahad confronted me? She made Shen Yuan think that I had hurt him, that I hadn't been able to restrain myself.” He squeezes his eyes shut, remembering how he had briefly doubted himself too, the dread and shame of wondering if his love for Shen Yuan hadn't been enough to overcome his nature.
Nina is silent for a moment. There have been times where she has questioned her own control as well, like what she would have done for parem had Matthias not been there the entire journey. She understands – but a false memory… The idea of it is horrifying. She puts a comforting hand on his arm. “I’m sure he understands.”
Luo Binghe puts a hand over hers, grateful. “I'm sure he knows now that it isn't the truth. But while the memory was false, he truly mistrusted me. Who is to say she didn't take advantage of doubt that already existed? Shen Yuan... sometimes misunderstands me.” He lowers his eyes. “I don't want to speak to him about it yet. It is a conversation to have face to face.” But his worry about it won't leave him.
“I’m sure he’s proud of you,” Nina tells him, switching tack slightly. “You were very brave.”
He gives her a little smile. “He does like reading tales of my battles. I hope he was able to see it firsthand.”
"Recovering the memories almost... helped me, in a way," Nina admits, carefully. "I was afraid I would only sense one death and then not know who it was until someone told me. But when the memories came flooding back, I knew immediately."
“Have you sensed her spirit?”
“No, I haven’t.” Nina frowns. “It’s odd. Even with Shen Yuan, when I couldn’t speak with him, I sensed… something.”
Luo Binghe has had a lot of time to think about ghosts. “Perhaps the mansion spirits have released her. I always had the sense they were not done with Shen Yuan... especially since, even in his absence, he was still replaced by an alternate self on the same day as everyone else. Whether we are alive or dead is immaterial—we are trapped here for as long as they will it.” He hesitates. “The mansion allowed Shen Yuan to die, and for that, I'll never forgive it. But it would be a mercy if it allowed Aornis' spirit to leave our company.”
Nina nods, in agreement. This is something she has thought about as well, the tidy way that Shen Yuan will be able to return. She almost wants to ask Luo Binghe about Shen Yuan’s alternate self — but they came here with a purpose. Her hand is still on his arm. “Are you ready to talk to him?”
Luo Binghe adjusts his arm so he can take her hand. "Yes." He walks with her into the room where Shen Yuan died, where Nina's powers work best.
Now that the plant body is almost mature—and Aornis is dead and cannot find it—it is safe to endow it with Shen Yuan's soul. But even though it will be a relief to have Shen Yuan's soul safely united with a body, it is also a loss. There's no telling how long it will be until Shen Yuan is able to fully return. Luo Binghe has grown used to curtains fluttering as he passes, or a book nudged infinitesimally toward his hand in the library. Even when he wasn't sure if Shen Yuan was present, the idea that he could be was immensely comforting. Now he truly will be alone again.
The table where they failed to have their date has long since been cleared. Luo Binghe releases Nina's hand and kneels at it, as though they could try again. Now that he has his memories, everything feels different than the previous times he and Nina have been in here to speak with Shen Yuan's spirit; it feels so haunted that he is glad to know that Nina has not felt Aornis' actual ghost.
"Beloved," he starts, before the rest of the words stick in his throat. He has so much to say, but he longs to say it to Shen Yuan's face. "I am weary of this separation. I will miss your spirit's presence by my side, and I will endeavor to stay near to yours until we are reunited."
Nina almost immediately tears up. “He’s here. He says he misses you so much. He doesn’t think it’ll be for much longer… He’s going to try and wake up soon because he’s tired of not being able to talk to you.”
Every time Luo Binghe hears Shen Yuan's words, even related through another, they pierce right through the veil of death that separates them. Shen Yuan's care for him is so easy and immediate, so unlike anyone else in Luo Binghe's life. His eyes also sting with tears. "I miss you. I would wait for centuries if I had to, but I can't—I can't wait much longer. It's so hard." He swallows against the tightness in his throat, his hands clenching on his knees. "I cannot stand thinking I won't be able to talk to you again. I—Please hurry back. No, take the time you need for your body to be whole and well. But—please."
He can't help babbling, and he can't bear to say goodbye, even though the more he talks the more he wants to see Shen Yuan's face. It's just so hard not to grasp at every scrap of him. It's the kind of painful, acidic want that Luo Binghe once felt as a child, watching other, well-fed children laugh and play. He tries to compose himself, breathing shakily. "You asked me before to tend to my needs. My most urgent need is for you. I will try my best to hold on."
Nina hears the response to this and she can’t help but look over to where the voice is coming from, but of course, there’s nobody there. “You’ve done so well, he says,” she tells Luo Binghe, voice firm and confident. “I agree. He’s— he’s proud of you. He’ll see us soon.”