[closed post] mid-winter blues

[protagonisthalo]

At this point, Luo Binghe would prefer to spend all of his time with Shen Yuan. Perhaps it's Xin Mo's presence, or perhaps Liu Mingyan's visit stirred up fears that his Empire could be adjusting to his absence, healing around the wound he left until there is no longer a place for him. Or perhaps his conversation with Aornis has wakened the dormant paranoia that the residents of the mansion are turning against him, his efforts to build friendships laughable in the face of twenty-five years of being everyone's enemy. Regardless of the reason, he is restless and moody, expecting the worst in every shadow. It's only with Shen Yuan that he feels at ease.

But Shen Yuan has friends and hobbies, and as much as Luo Binghe wants to monopolize all of his time, he still fears Shen Yuan learning the worst of him—how needy he is, how dark and pessimistic and impossible to satisfy. He spent the morning cooking for Shen Yuan's lunch, and now he's curled up in a lounge, morosely reading The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

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[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan sneaks up behind the couch and pulls his hands from behind his back, bringing them around Binghe's shoulders present him with one single pink-frosted cupcake, dotted with sparkly silver sprinkles and adorned with one wavering birthday candle. He rests his chin atop Binghe's head. "Surprise," he says, soft and fond. "Happy Birthday."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe expected the hug, but the little cake genuinely startles him. He sets the book down and takes it, cupping both hands around it like it's something fragile. The little candle burns merrily. "What's this?"

[peaklordshen]

"It's a cupcake," explains Shen Yuan. He swings himself over the back of the couch so he's sitting next to Binghe. "It's, um, a little cake you make in a cup!" People make cupcakes in tins, now, but he's pretty sure they used to make them in cups - why else would it be called a cupcake? "I didn't make this one—I asked the Mansion for it, which is why it's pink, it would not give me any other color icing no matter what I asked—because I wanted you to actually, like, enjoy eating it." He snuggles into Binghe's side. "The candle is a birthday thing. You blow the candle out, and make a wish."

[protagonisthalo]

"I love it," Luo Binghe says immediately, without even trying it. He's giddy about Shen Yuan being near him, touching him, bringing him a special treat. Some of the constant wrenching pressure of simply being Luo Binghe eases just being near him. He blows the candle out, but his mind is empty—everything he wants is right here. "I've never celebrated my birthday, but I guess you're right—it's mid-winter." The coldest part of the year is all he knows about when he was born; sometime in winter he usually remembers to add a year to his age. Twenty-six, then. Almost a full decade since Shen Qingqiu banished him to the Abyss.

[peaklordshen]

"It's today, specifically," says Shen Yuan. "I did the math. I looked up the average coldest days for the climate along the Luo River, and there were some hints about when your mom—anyway, it wasn't hard." He shakes his head in clearly pleased exasperation. "And then I had to do the math again to figure out the conversion between my calendar and the Mansion's calendar, but—yeah, it's today. January 19th, the first of Hesione." It had felt correct, that it be the first of something, not just of the month but of the season, even if that meant that here Binghe's birthday wasn't really midwinter anymore.

[protagonisthalo]

"It's today?" Luo Binghe repeats, hardly believing it. His birthday is a lot of things; besides the day he was born, it is the anniversary of his birth mother's death, the anniversary of his first abandonment. His first loss. On Qing Jing Peak there was nothing to celebrate in the dead of winter, not for the rejected disciple who had to shiver outside in the woodshed, stealing whatever blankets he could or making his own pathetic little fire where it wouldn't be extinguished by damp snow. It's always been a reminder of how the fates are against him—his chance of survival so low, as an infant adrift on an icy river, that it seems improbable, undesirable, that he survived at all. But Shen Yuan, a youth from another world who had never even met Luo Binghe, bothered to do research and calculations to learn when Luo Binghe was born, just to celebrate it.

[peaklordshen]

"Yep," says Shen Yuan, happily. He's not unaware of the turmoil rolling off Binghe in waves, but he is getting kind of used to it—every time Shen Yuan does anything new and remotely nice, he gets like this. It tends to unbalance him before he can fully accept it, even when it's something this minor. He leans up to kiss Binghe on the cheek. "I'm really glad you were born," he says, which is the way he can say it while crediting Airplane the least.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe throws himself into a one-armed embrace, carefully holding the cupcake aside. He breathes in the comforting scent of his boyfriend, his breath hitching dangerously in his chest. "Thank you," he says. "I—thank you. I'm glad you were born, I'm so glad you're here." It is the most he can say without expressing gratitude for Shen Yuan's death, which took so much from him, yet brought him to Luo Binghe.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan pets his hair and presses a little kiss to his temple. He's so glad he's here, too; he's glad they're both here, escaped from the clutches of a narrative that hates its protagonist almost as much as it hates its villain, if not more. He lets Binghe just hold him for another moment, then pulls back. "You're supposed to eat it," he says, about the cupcake, laughing a little; maybe no one's cleaned in this lounge for a while, because his eyes are prickling from dust. "I can't promise it's very good—you could make much, much better, obviously, and it's kind of a silly—but a whole cake seemed like a lot for just the two of us, so—" he stops talking, abashed.

[protagonisthalo]

"Mm, but what I wish to taste is far sweeter," Luo Binghe says, giving Shen Yuan a smiling kiss. But then he does take a bite of the cupcake. It's very sweet, actually—it's nice, but Luo Binghe is already thinking of ways it could be improved. He'll make one for Shen Yuan's birthday. The frosting, piled impractically tall, ends up smeared on the tip of his nose.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan laughs and cups his cheek, turning his head so Binghe is looking at him, and then leans forward and licks the icing off his nose.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe kisses him, open-mouthed, his intention clear—he dips his tongue in to taste the sweet frosting. Then he pulls back and eats the rest of the cupcake. It is his birthday gift, after all.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan grins, watching him, then leans in to press little kisses all over his cheeks and mouth where he has little bits of icing. "You're so cute."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe leans his forehead against Shen Yuan's. Shen Yuan sometimes shies away from his more passionate declarations, as though Luo Binghe's love is so bright it might blind him. He must know what it means to Luo Binghe to actually know his date of birth for the first time, but Luo Binghe will spare him the declaration of it. "Thank you for the cupcake."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan nuzzles his cheek. "You're welcome," he says. He gives it another minute, just breathing in Binghe's warm breath, before he pulls back a little. "Um. Can I talk to you about something?"

[protagonisthalo]

"Of course. Is something wrong?"

[peaklordshen]

"Not with me," Shen Yuan reassures him. "Or like, us. It's—Lan Wangji came to see me the other day, and he was asking me about whether you would mess with my friends." He rolls his eyes. "I told him no, obviously. And then he asked me if I knew of anyone else here with dream-walking powers. And—have you met Asmodean? He used to go by Jasin Natael."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe relaxes a fraction. "I don't know the name, but I do know the other dream-walker, if that's who you're speaking of. I thought he was the person you had told me about, at first—Aleksander—because you mentioned that he has unique abilities that could make others target him."

[peaklordshen]

"Oh," says Shen Yuan, surprised. "No—Aleksander's abilities amplify the abilities of others. Like, he's afraid of people literally using him, not—anyway. That's not the point. I think Asmodean might be sending Sagramore nightmares."

[protagonisthalo]

"What makes you say so?"

[peaklordshen]

"Lan Wangji wouldn't tell me which of my friends was being targeted, but Sagramore and Asmodean have, um." He's been sworn to secrecy about this, so he stays vague. "They used to be close, but they had a falling out." He shifts, a little, getting a gleam in his eye. "I was thinking we could set a trap, like. A dream ambush."

[protagonisthalo]

So Lan Wangji found out someone was having odd dreams, and just assumed it was Luo Binghe's doing. Typical, but Shen Yuan defending him pleases Luo Binghe enough that he can ignore that for now. "Of course we can. Is Lan Wangji close to Sagramore, though? Why would he know more about Sagramore's dreams than you or I?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan makes a face. "People seem to think he's wise," he says. "And I imagine Sagramore didn't want to trouble you—he's constantly downplaying things that bother him. He probably thinks they'll go away on their own. And maybe they will, when Asmodean gets bored of being petty, but then he won't have learned anything."

[protagonisthalo]

Shen Yuan is so cute when he's being rude about Lan Wangji. "I see. Then yes, we should make an effort to protect his dreams." He tugs on a lock of Shen Yuan's hair fondly, twisting it around his finger. "What were you thinking? I made a truce with Asmodean, that neither of us would disturb the other's dreamscape without provocation. It seems wise to maintain it."

[peaklordshen]

"Yeah, I don't think we have to go into his dreams," agrees Shen Yuan. "He seems like he might be kind of volatile. But if we hang out in Sagramore's, maybe we can catch him in the act?"