[closed post] drastic measures

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe has been forced to remember how much harder everything was before he met Shen Yuan. Even with his lover by his side, being Luo Binghe was hard to bear. Any small hurt tends to stick and last within him, a hundred lacerations a day that refuse to heal. But Shen Yuan had a knack for making his anger and pain smaller and softer, burning away the mist with the sunlight of his smile. It was easier to let pain recede when his focus was on Shen Yuan's easy affection.

Now the world is once again a forest of thorns, impossible not to hurt himself against. Even if there is a possibility of having Shen Yuan back, it is not certain, and he is not here now. Luo Binghe has strayed so far, in his time here, from who he once thought himself to be. But it was easy when it was for the sake of Shen Yuan's happiness. Without him, and without any of the certainties Luo Binghe once formed himself around, there's nothing left in him but his tempestuous feelings.

He has been looking for Lan Wangji since learning he could speak to spirits, but Lan Wangji has not made himself easy to find. Least of all for Luo Binghe. In any other circumstance, he would be happy to let the man avoid him forever, their mutually animosity the only point on which they agree. But if Nina cannot find Shen Yuan, perhaps another cultivator can.

Comments

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji, as it happens, is just coming in from the outdoors, unwinding the strips of cloth that bind his sleeves. He has been with Sagramore and Laertes again, helping them move the heavier materials for the construction of their house and observing their demonstration of the simple art of splitting logs. It is as Sagramore said. The work is good.

When he steps inside to see Luo Binghe stalking toward him past the welcome table, he goes promptly very still. He has no interest in speaking with Luo Binghe; he never will. Still, he can remember his own grief and its bottomless depths.

[protagonisthalo]

"Lan Wangji. I would speak with you." Lan Wangji knows very well that Luo Binghe would typically cut off his own finger before choosing to speak with him.¹ He won't bother with courtesies.

¹It's not that drastic, they grow back.

[lightbearinglord]

Expressionless, Lan Wangji finishes his task and stows the blue silk back in his sleeves. He says nothing, but he also doesn't turn and walk away. That should be invitation enough.

[protagonisthalo]

"Gideon has told me that you can communicate with spirits, and Magnus confirmed it. Have you discerned any sign of Shen Yuan?"

[lightbearinglord]

So Gideon continues to share Luo Binghe's company, as does Magnus. Lan Wangji has no power over either of them, but he feels that familiar little twist of cold fear, anyway. It doesn't show. He has long years of practice at fearing for the safety of those who matter to him.

"I have," he says, "recently." Of course he will not mention Claudius' involvement. "His spirit spoke through my qin."

[protagonisthalo]

Intense relief spasms through Luo Binghe, along with an inhale so sharp it sounds like a hiccup. He bites the inside of his lip, overwhelmed at the thought that Shen Yuan has not only been sensed, but spoken to.

But the unconcerned way Lan Wangji says it—as though it's a matter of idle curiosity, when Luo Binghe has been desperate and Nina has been trying—is hard to take. Shen Yuan's precious words, poured into Lan Wangji's indifferent ears.

"Why did you not send someone to tell me?" Lan Wangji hates him, but to hate him to the point of keeping news of Shen Yuan from him is breathtakingly cruel.

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji releases a quiet breath as he observes the overwhelming strength of Luo Binghe's reaction. He never played Inquiry for Wei Ying. Wei Ying was unreachable. There was no use to it. "Who would I send?"

[protagonisthalo]

To strike at Luo Binghe's isolation, to call him friendless at a time like this, is a truly low blow. Despite himself, Luo Binghe is stung.

If this had happened to one of Lan Wangji's close companions—if it were, say, Galahad who had been found lifeless in a pool of blood—Luo Binghe has no doubt he would have informed Claudius immediately upon contacting the spirit. He would not have withheld any comfort that could ease such immeasurable suffering.

Everyone knows of Luo Binghe's relationship with Shen Yuan. Either Lan Wangji thinks him too inhuman to love, or the suffering of someone Lan Wangji dislikes means nothing to him. Either way, he is not so distant as he thinks from the cultivation sects he claims to condemn, and every bit the hypocrite Shen Yuan believed. Luo Binghe would say it to him directly—the words are eager to escape him—but he needs something. What Lan Wangji can give him is perhaps the only thing in the world precious enough to tolerate insult from this man. He bites his tongue, his gaze sliding sideways so that he doesn't have to look at Lan Wangji.

"I must speak with Shen Yuan. You may name any price."

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji looks at Luo Binghe in silence. Truthfully, he has been thinking of the problem of Shen Yuan's death as a problem held at a remove from Luo Binghe's existence. He hates to think of Luo Binghe at all; he hates to think of how little he can do to combat him, of Luo Binghe declaring that he refrains from fighting Lan Wangji, a fight that would certainly be to the death, only because it would be socially inconvenient for him. There is no one he would have sent to speak with Luo Binghe, because there is no one he trusts Luo Binghe entirely not to hurt or manipulate.

He is not blind, though. He has seen the way that Luo Binghe looks at Shen Yuan during the handful of times they have shared the same room. It is a recognizable love. Even monsters are beloved by someone, Claudius said to him once. That's why murder has such a heavy weight.

If there is no one he could have sent, then it is an errand he should have taken upon himself, rightfully.

"There is no price," he says finally. "And I am sorry."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe clenches his hands into fists to keep them from shaking. So there is no price he will accept, nothing worth enough to him to help Luo Binghe. But he expected such a refusal; he even expected the mockery of Lan Wangji's false apology. It is perhaps the truest measure of how Shen Yuan has changed him that he is willing to humble himself even further.

"I know not how to persuade you. I know you have no care for either me or him, and that my agony holds no weight with you. I know that money is meaningless in this place, and my power does not hold the same sway it did in my kingdom, so there is little I can offer as recompense." And if he used the threat of violence, if Lan Wangji were unwilling, he could sabotage the communication, lie to Luo Binghe about what Shen Yuan said. Luo Binghe does not know how to interpret qin language. "All I can do is ask again, in the strongest possible terms: I must speak to him."

[lightbearinglord]

It is the feeling of extending an open hand, however warily, and having it looked at with fear, as if it were the edge of a blade. Lan Wangji is familiar enough with this feeling. Come back to Gusu with me. He thought he had learned to be clearer. It is true that he cares nothing for Luo Binghe, and very little for Shen Yuan. Neither has done anything to earn his respect. Still, he can't fathom what he has done to lead Luo Binghe to consider him the cruel one in this exchange. Luo Binghe's distaste for him came about because Lan Wangji could not restrain himself from caring about Claudius' pain.

"You misunderstand," he says, carefully. "I will contact him. I want no payment."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe's eyes widen in shock, then narrow. So Lan Wangji wishes Luo Binghe to be indebted to him. He does not relish the thought of Lan Wangji holding anything over him, but it doesn't matter if it means talking to Shen Yuan. He nods quickly, accepting these terms.

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji can't interpret Luo Binghe's expression, but frankly, he is past caring. He has agreed to help him. If Luo Binghe is finding reasons to take further offense at his agreement, he can do nothing to stop him. His qin is strapped to his back, as it typically is -- he goes very few places without both of his weapons these days. So without another word, he strides off down the hallway, presuming that Luo Binghe will follow.

[summerdude]

"Hey," says Magnus, crawling into the space under the pavilion and moving to crouch next to Luo Binghe. "How's it going?"

[protagonisthalo]

"Magnus." Luo Binghe doesn't raise his eyes from Shen Yuan's slack face, but he inches over to make room. "Did Lan Wangji tell you he was able to make contact with Shen Yuan's spirit?"

[summerdude]

Due to the folding nature of time in this place, we can assume that, even though Magnus is approaching Luo Binghe the day after he promised Claudius he would, he's also somehow managed to have his International Falafel Day conversation with Lan Wangji. "Yeah, I just heard," he says, relief written clearly across his face even as he summons summer and lets it fill the air underneath the pavilion. Warmth and growth potential; no artificial sunlight to destabilize the balance. "What a relief, right?"

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe nods. Since speaking to Shen Yuan, his feelings have changed in complex ways. He is immensely relieved, and more hopeful than ever before—Shen Yuan's return now seems almost an inevitability. But realizing that Shen Yuan is still aware and observing them has kindled new worries. Shen Yuan is very social and talkative, and he loves his friends—wouldn't he be miserable as a silent attendant? Is he lonely, bored, as weary of this separation as Luo Binghe is?

When Shen Yuan first died—he can think these words now that it seems a temporary state—Luo Binghe was in a state of such intense despair that he almost couldn't feel it. He was angry, and frantic, and the days in front of him seemed impossibly dark. But Shen Yuan's words have melted through his defenses, and since they spoke, he has been deeply sad. He has no need to rage against fate or the mansion spirits, or to throw himself into a tireless search for a solution. Without those distractions, he simply misses Shen Yuan. "I have wasted my time studying demonic cultivation and dreamcraft," he says morosely. "I should have learned some method of communicating with spirits."

[summerdude]

"You couldn't have predicted this," Magnus points out. He's personally of the opinion -- having been on the receiving end of them -- that Luo Binghe's dream powers are super cool. Even though Alex is here now he still kind of wishes he could learn them. "I bet your stuff has come in useful in the past, right?"

[protagonisthalo]

"Yes," Luo Binghe says, unconvinced. He brushes Shen Yuan's cheek with the back of his hand. "But it cannot be denied that I've failed him. There was a fight—we cannot know the details, but I lost. And I failed to discover his spirit, or to find a way to return it to life."

[summerdude]

"Dude," Magnus says, carefully. "It's not all on you, you know^*? There's a way to return him to life. There are people who can talk to his spirit. I hate that he died and I miss him so much but we have a way through this. And a lot of people, like, want to help. We have a good little community here. Um, murderer excluded, obviously."


*It's much easier for him to see this about Luo Binghe than himself!

[protagonisthalo]

This only deepens Luo Binghe's gloom. They may have a good community, but Luo Binghe has not done well integrating with it. There was a brief moment, after he lost Sagramore, that he thought it wasn't too late to turn things around—Kade was helping him discern how to approach friendships, and he truly enjoyed himself at Dionysus' party—but it was all too fragile to last through a disruption like this. Shen Yuan is widely liked, though, and it's true that many people are dedicating their talents to the resurrection effort. Luo Binghe has wished countless times that he had died in Shen Yuan's place, but in some twisted way, maybe this is better; if it had been Shen Yuan grieving Luo Binghe and working to bring him back, he might have had far less assistance. "I miss him too," he says quietly.

[summerdude]

"Now that we've found his spirit, are you gonna, like," Magnus says, and pauses. "I don't know, change up your routine? Since things are more, like, certain?" This is his roundabout way of asking if Luo Binghe might possibly consider taking a nap.

[protagonisthalo]

"He asked me to," Luo Binghe says, his voice shaky. "He said that we should care for the body and beware of his murderer, and that I should eat and sleep and try not to miss him too much. I admit—as much as I would do anything for him, it's challenging."

[summerdude]

"He's right, you know," Magnus says. "I know it's hard. But he'd hate it if you were just, like, wasting away instead of living your life. And, um, hey." He doesn't nudge Luo Binghe or lean against him -- he's pretty sure the guy hates that kind of thing -- but he does make it a touch warmer under the pavilion. "His spirit is here. He can check in on you, like, all the time. I bet it'll do him good to see you doing okay. You know how he can't, like, check on his family back home... maybe this is, like, a do-over opportunity for him."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe swallows, too overcome to respond. He has thought nonstop about Shen Yuan saying, through Lan Wangji, that he is with Luo Binghe even when they're unable to communicate. But to think of it as some kind of recompense for Shen Yuan's permanent separation from his family—and to name Luo Binghe as any kind of family to him—makes his eyes prickle with heat.

He wants to do anything possible to ease Shen Yuan's distress. But it's hard for him not to wilt and wither in his boyfriend's absence. "How did you manage it?" he says. "Waiting for Alex."